[As I first dipped my toe into Blogfordshire with thoughts that it might be a useful device to keep a small group of writers I'm involved with motivated between gatherings, I hope you'll forgive this slight lapse into self-indulgence. Blame the insomnia if you like... (normal service will be resumed).]
INT. THEATRE BAR. EVENING.
The scene is busy. A performance area is marked out and people are going about their business. Lights are being tested. Sound is being checked. The bar is being prepared for a busy evening. A few early arrivals sit chatting. An organiser frets.
A writer enters. He’s made an effort - put on his other jacket so as not to be seen wearing the same one yet again. He greets the director and buys a bottle of mineral water from the bar and takes root in the obscure corner spot he plans to occupy for as much of the evening as he can get away with.
The bar fills up. Fills up! Performers arrive and are greeted warmly. A few last minute hitches are smoothed over by the organiser. Time ticks by. In the obscure corner spot, the writer is joined by two more writers. They chat, but as these newcomers are also scheduled to perform their own material, the conversation eventually falters as other things need to be thought about.
The general “house” lights dim. Spotlights pick out the performance area. We’re off…
On the outside the writer seems calm. On the inside, it’s quite a different story.
Okay... okay… People have turned up at least… God! I’ve got enough nerves for the lot of them… Don’t know how these performers do it… Shouldn’t have had that pizza earlier… Yep! Just belched the lot up… Rancid pepperoni… Marvellous… I hope I’m not standing close enough to anyone for them to get a whiff of that… Seems a pretty good crowd… Better than the dozen or so who came to the last one of these I saw… Hope we don’t have to lock them in… Of course they might just stay for the half-time food and then disappear…
Well, the introductions went okay… Warmly welcomed… Mind you, he’s a popular chap, people like him… What’s this…? A spoof theatre meeting… Did he mean to do that at the start or was it just some actorly “business”…? Went well though… In-jokes though, isn’t it…? Bound to work well with this crowd… Suddenly my foolish bits seem wrong for this kind of event… Keep it light hearted in future… “frothy”… My bits aren’t on until the end anyway… Maybe if we’re over-running I can get them to pull them… That’s it… I’ll ask him to drop them at the interval… No harm done… That new Kenyan piece was warmly greeted… Dignity… Gravitas… Yes, that works… Should have done something more like that… The poor woman having a coughing fit… Hope she’s okay… Ah! Someone’s taken her a glass of water… I should have thought of that myself… What is that strange humming noise I keep hearing…? Oh and sirens, too… the Saturday night soundtrack… And the planes… I forgot that we were right on the flight-path… Nobody else seems bothered by them though… Ah now we’re on to some old favourites… That’s more like it… That’ll keep everyone happy… Yes, they’re warming up now… Ah! A lot of swearing in that one… Still… Theatre crowd… Probably used to it… I think there’s a “ruddy” in one of mine but I generally thought it best avoided… These actors, they’re all doing this very well… There was me thinking it’s all just a bit of fun and they’ve taken it all very seriously… Never expected that… Must learn not to always have such low expectations… Okay… We seem to be running late now… Another new piece to end part one then we’ll see how many come back for part two… Powerful, dramatic… and wonderfully received… Can’t follow that… I’m definitely asking them to drop my pieces now…
Intermission… Food available, but I can’t eat… “Well done’s” to the various performers I know… Brief chat to one of the actors playing in my pieces… He seems to like them… Seems to have enjoyed doing it… So much effort put in, I’ll have to let them go through with it now… Seems interested in doing some more work… Could this thing be actually working…? Still not hungry… I can still taste the pizza anyway… Why did I forget those mints…? Buy more water… and a spare bottle to help get me through part two… Brief chat to yet another writer… Why doesn’t he seem to have any nervous tension…? And he’s another one who’s performing as well… I’m such a lightweight…
We’re back… At least no one seems to have gone home… Maybe they’re enjoying it… Nah! That’s too much to expect… A sense of duty perhaps…? I’m such an idiot… Why can’t you just accept it might be going okay…? Those new monologues went down a storm… A lot for me to learn from them… Surprise twists, yes I like that… and that ironic one that just felt like a little bit of “stand-up comedy”… Why didn’t I think of that…? Uh-oh… My first one’s coming up… Should I try to record it…? Will the machine bleep…? Mind you, there are enough bleeps coming from God knows where… Again no one else seems bothered by them… Maybe they’re in my head…? Well that’s going well… Surprisingly well… These guys are really good… The allegedly funny bits seem to be getting laughed at and they’re not laughing at the allegedly dramatic bits so that’s promising… Actually, it seems to have actually gripped the audience… You really could hear a pin drop… Guys, you’ve done a terrific job with that… I’m so pleased I can feel an unfamiliar sensation… I think I’m grinning… Another new piece… funny… poignant… Goes like a bomb… Then it’s my other one… and that seems to have worked too… Couple of fluffs, but you can’t have everything… and no-one else will have noticed, I’m sure… Nicely done, chaps… nicely done… Couldn’t have asked for more… Relief… The final item… A few glitches but by now it really doesn’t matter… I think we’ve done everything that could have been asked of us…
House lights up… Just got time to track down as many actors as I can find and thank them personally… Think I found all the ones who performed my bits anyway… Got to dash… Not sure I can take it if I overhear any bad stuff… Some kind words, however… Got to learn to take a compliment… A brief post-mortem with the organiser… He’ll let me know anything he hears over the next few days… And information about another writing group… I’ll read it later… Text home: “I’m on my way!”
EXIT.
3 comments:
A good write up! If you were as nervous as this post describes, then you are a much better actor than you give yourself credit for!
Thanks for that, Ian. Such is the lot of the socially anxious. Nowadays I plant myself in one spot and try (and usually fail) not to say anything too controversial. I still lie awake fretting over every word for weeks afterwards (and sometimes days beforehand...) which is one of the reasons I gave up being sociable at all.
If you added doing a performance into the mix (as if I felt capable of that anyway) you'd not have had enough buckets available to cope with my fear and it would have distracted attention from the stage.
Sadly, posting words on t'interweb are starting to make me feel much the same way.
Ah ha- so this is the bloggers' paradise wot I wotted not of.... sounds like a serial monologuer to me!!
M
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