Last year I was asked if I’d contribute a piece of writing for an evening of entertainment that was due to take part on bonfire night. What I came up with were four longish scenes that last about fifteen minutes each and between them make up a one-act play.
Unfortunately, the dark story I chose to tell – a rather brutal tale of homeless ex-servicemen (with a smattering of Shakespearean quotes thrown in) that just happens to come to a head on November the fifth - didn’t really gel with the light-hearted nature of the planned evening and so whilst the script itself was gladly received, the project was quietly dropped.
This is the first draft of the first scene, which was planned to have developed during a period of rehearsal that never happened, so any shortcomings in the dialogue that still remain are completely my own fault.
It does go on a bit, so you might want to fetch a mug of tea and a toffee apple. Don’t say you weren’t warned…
GUNPOWDER, TREASON, PLOT AND BAKED POTATOES
A play in one act of four scenes
by
MAWH
Characters:
IAIN - Homeless, ex-army commander
STEVIE “The Professor” - Homeless, ex-army psychiatrist
BEN - Homeless, ex-convict
JAMIE - Homeless, ex-army
Scene One – “GUNPOWDER”
A blasted heath.
It is bonfire night. Centre stage, a brazier flickers. Two well wrapped up men are warming themselves beside it, rubbing their hands, enjoying the warmth.
STEVIE:
(Smiles to himself)
“When shall we three meet again?”
Iain looks around pointedly.
IAIN:
There’s only TWO of us, Stevie…
STEVIE:
(Unrepentant) SO?
IAIN:
AND…
STEVIE:
Yes?
IAIN:
We’ve only just got here…
STEVIE:
Doesn’t matter…
IAIN:
It SHOULD!
STEVIE:
Would be wrong though…
IAIN:
Hmm?
STEVIE:
“When shall we two meet again?” Doesn’t sound right…
IAIN:
It would BE right though…
STEVIE:
Mebbe… But it wouldn’t be. Can’t have that.
I think that quotations should always at least try to be accurate…
BEN:
(Arriving) Hark at the Professor…
IAIN:
Hi, Ben…
STEVIE:
(A wary nod towards him) Benjamin…
Benjamin nods back, then goes across to Iain and they exchange a warm greeting.
BEN:
Don’t suppose you’ve got anything cooking in that thing…?
IAIN:
Not today, sadly… No…
BEN:
Pity…
IAIN:
(Thoughtfully) Yes…
BEN:
Thought I might get lucky… Thought you might have a couple of spuds on the go…
IAIN:
Nope…
BEN:
…what with it being bonfire night and all…
IAIN:
Sorry…
BEN:
Ah! No matter! Just hoping, that’s all…
IAIN:
So Ben…! How’s tricks?
BEN:
Not so bad, Iain, not so bad… Apart from the constant hunger of course…
IAIN:
Of course…
(Beat – A thought occurs to him.)
Hey, Stevie… NOW there’s three of us…
STEVIE:
So?
IAIN:
Well…? Go on then…
STEVIE:
Eh?
IAIN:
“When shall we three…?”
STEVIE:
Can’t be bothered…
IAIN:
(Exasperated) Oh!
STEVIE:
Anyway, the moment’s gone…
IAIN:
Good grief!
BEN:
Wha… what’s going on?
IAIN:
Oh, nothing… The Prof’s just having one of his moments, that’s all…
BEN:
Oh dear…
IAIN:
(Ruefully) Yeah…
STEVIE:
Anyway, I take your point…
IAIN:
What point…?
STEVIE:
Under the circumstances, my quotation was totally inappropriate…
IAIN:
Oh aye…
STEVIE:
You were absolutely right…
IAIN:
Was I?
Iain and Ben exchange baffled looks.
STEVIE:
Absolutely!
Iain and Ben look at him blankly.
STEVIE:
We had indeed only just arrived…
My humour was misplaced… completely out of context…
BEN:
Humour? What humour?
IAIN:
Eh, well, never mind, eh, Stevie…
STEVIE:
…and would have worked so much better if only I’d waited…
IAIN:
Eh?
STEVIE:
There are now indeed three of us. Stupid! Stupid! Why do I say these things?
I should learn to wait… I should…
BEN:
Hey, it’s all right Stevie old pal…
STEVIE:
I am NOT your PAL!
IAIN:
Calm yourself down lad… It doesn’t matter…
(To Ben) It looks like it’s going to be one of THOSE nights…
BEN:
Again?
Iain and Ben exchange a downhearted look.
IAIN:
Tonight of all nights… Jamie’ll be bad enough to cope with…
But if this fella’s is going off on one, too…
BEN:
God help us…
IAIN:
(Looks around) It’s getting dark… What time is it?
Ben rolls back the sleeve of his overcoat to reveal a wristwatch.
BEN:
Five past four…
STEVIE:
Sixteen – oh – five… Very appropriate…
BEN:
Eh…?
STEVIE:
No matter…
BEN:
Where’s Jamie tonight?
IAIN:
Dunno… I don’t suppose He’ll be venturing outside much, though…
BEN:
No…?
IAIN:
He hates all these bangs and flashes…
BEN:
What a wuss…
STEVIE:
Bad time of year for bangs and flashes…
BEN:
What? Does it take him back to ‘Nam or something…?
STEVIE:
Iraq, I think…
BEN:
What? Get off… He’s never been near the place…
IAIN:
Ah, you’d be surprised…
BEN:
What, Jamie? Not a military bone in his body…
IAIN:
You think?
BEN:
You only have to look at him… You two are more likely soldiers than that loser….
Iain and Stevie exchange a look.
BEN:
Anyway, it’s not just tonight, is it?
Them bangs and flashes have been going on for over a month now…
IAIN:
Worse tonight, though…
BEN:
Mebbe… But he was out last night, wasn’t he?
And I thought last night was just as bad…
IAIN:
Different, though, innit?
BEN:
How so?
IAIN:
Bonfire night… The actual night itself… I mean…
You know up front that there’s no escaping it…
BEN:
A man’s still go to eat though…
IAIN:
He’ll have allowed for that…
BEN:
(Aside) Will he now…?
IAIN:
Made plans…
BEN:
(Sarcastically) What? With his “commando training”?
IAIN:
Mebbe…
BEN:
Don’t make me laugh…
STEVIE:
He HAS got a gun, though…
BEN:
You what?
STEVIE:
Showed it to me, he did… His old service weapon, I think…
BEN:
What would an old soak like him be doing with one of those?
STEVIE:
Don’t know… He had it though…
BEN:
If he did have one he’d sell it… I know he would…
Anyway, what would he show it you for?
STEVIE:
Don’t know. He just did. Pointed it right at me…
IAIN:
He threatened you?
STEVIE:
Don’t know. Might have done, I suppose…
Don’t know… Laughed a lot… Took my bottle off me…
BEN:
And you let him? That lanky streak of nothing?
STEVIE:
He – pointed – a – GUN – at – me!
IAIN:
But it can’t have been loaded…
STEVIE:
Might have been…
IAIN:
How?
STEVIE:
Don’t know. Didn’t want to risk it…
BEN:
Where would he get a gun from anyway?
STEVIE:
Might be his own…
IAIN:
Maybe he found it…
BEN:
’Cos the kid’s are forever throwing them things away these days…
Are you sure it was real?
STEVIE:
Looked real enough to me…
IAIN:
And you didn’t imagine it?
STEVIE:
I might not have all my marbles these days, but I know a bloody gun when I see
one… Especially when it’s pointing at my face…
BEN:
Ah! He’s making it up…
STEVIE:
Am I? Am !?!! “Browning Hi-power semi-automatic nine millimetre…”
I know one when I see one… I’ve handled enough of them in my time…
BEN:
(To Iain) He could’ve read that in a book…
STEVIE:
I’ve read a lot of things…
BEN:
(Smirks) Or in a toyshop window…
STEVIE:
…about a lot of things… but… my firearm was issued to me…
BEN:
Don’t make me laugh. Look at you! I don’t know.
Suddenly every nut-job I know is ex-Army…
STEVIE:
Nut-job? Nut job! I’ll give you nut-job!
Stevie angrily flings himself towards Ben fists flailing.
Iain manages to grab him and hold him off.
IAIN:
Hey… Hey… HEY!! Calm down, Stevie… Just calm down…
BEN:
Anytime, mate! Any time you like!
IAIN:
He doesn’t know what he’s talking about…
STEVIE:
Let me go, Iain… Let me go! I’ll have you, sonny. Just see if I don’t…
BEN:
Yeah? You and whose…?
STEVIE:
(Boiling with frustration) Cocky little… Ignorant…
IAIN:
Let it go, Stevie…
BEN:
(Confrontational) Who are you calling ignorant…?
STEVIE:
You, you little pipsqueak… I’m calling you ignorant!
IAIN:
Let it go! Both of you…
Ben seems up for a fight, but a look from Iain makes him think again.
BEN:
Ah leave it…
STEVIE:
Always had your card marked, Benjamin. Always saw right through you…
BEN:
You saw nothing…
STEVIE:
Oh no? Me and Iain here… We served together… We’ve stuck together…
You? You’re a lousy little ex-con hanging round with us just to see what you can
get… Coming around here trying to con us out of what little food
we’ve got…
BEN:
So you HAVE got some spuds on the go! I KNEW it!
STEVIE:
Wanting to take something that we’ve got … that we’ve worked damn hard to get…
rather than making any effort to get his own…
Can’t you just smell those spuds, Ben…? Can’t you just TASTE ‘em?!
IAIN:
No, Ben… Honestly… We haven’t…
STEVIE:
Baked to perfection… Crisp skins… beautifully soft inside…
BEN:
Ah, go on… Let me have some…
IAIN:
There aren’t any…
BEN:
Go on, I know you’ve got ‘em ! All nicely wrapped up in a bit o’ tin foil in here
are they…?
STEVIE:
Why don’t you look?
BEN:
You have, haven’t you…?
Stevie just stares into Ben’s eyes.
STEVIE:
Piping hot and soft as snow…
BEN:
Aw! I can taste ‘em already!
STEVIE:
Then stick your hand in and fish ‘em out if you want ‘em!
BEN:
I can’t! It’s too hot!
STEVIE:
If you REALLY want them…
BEN:
I can’t! Have you got a stick or something…?
STEVIE:
All you have to do is put your hand in - Just for a second! – and you’ll have food!
A free lunch you haven’t had to work for… Just one quick moment… You’ve seen
those fire walkers… It’s only mind over matter… Probably won’t hurt at all…. Just
think of those delicious… hot… potatoes…
BEN:
Why don’t I just make you get ‘em for me?
Ben makes a move forward, but Iain grabs his arm.
IAIN:
Touch him and I’ll break this for you…
BEN:
Ah, come on… I only want a bite to eat… I’m starving, mate…
IAIN:
We’re ALL starving here son…
BEN:
Then just give us a bit… Just a little bit… Come on!
IAIN:
Ben! We haven’t got any food.
BEN:
(Utter disbelief) But HE said…
IAIN:
He SAYS a lot of things…
Stevie laughs. Ben feels humiliated.
IAIN:
Ben! If we had something, we’d share it with you…
BEN:
Then why would he…?
IAIN:
He was having you on. Seeing how far you’d go…
BEN:
You… you… I could taste it. I swear I could taste it… Oh, God! I’m SO hungry!
Iain turns towards Stevie.
IAIN:
You and your mind games, professor… Some time you’ll go too far…
STEVIE:
Always interesting to see just how far people are prepared to go…
BEN:
You… You’d have let me put my hand in there?
IAIN:
He’d never have done it…
STEVIE:
I think he would have…
IAIN:
He’d’ve gone to get a stick, or something…
STEVIE:
You can see the desperation in him! Smell it!
IAIN:
But he’s not stupid!
STEVIE:
I didn’t say he was… But… Just look at him! He doesn’t trust us an inch! If he’d gone
off looking for a stick or anything… he thought we might have been away on our toes
with the food. He couldn’t risk that…
IAIN:
And what if he’d stuck YOUR hand into the fire?
STEVIE:
You’d never have let him do that, Iain…
IAIN:
Wouldn’t I?
STEVIE:
No. You forget, I know you TOO well… You’d never have let him…
IAIN:
One of these days, I just might… I don’t know, with all your talk you’ve made ME feel
hungry now…
STEVIE:
The power of suggestion, Iain. The power of suggestion!
IAIN:
Don’t you start trying those things with ME, Stevie… or I might just leave you alone
with our friend here…
STEVIE:
No need to be so uncivilised, old son… You know, I’m getting a bit peckish myself…
IAIN:
The power of suggestion…?
STEVIE:
Possibly… possibly… Still, it’s a good night for finding food, so we should be hopeful
of finding something later…
IAIN:
True, true…
BEN:
You think we’ll be able to get something…?
STEVIE:
Bound to, bound to…
BEN:
Why?
IAIN:
All those people eating outdoors… There’s always rich pickings later on…
We’ll just have to wait a while, that’s all…
BEN:
Why should we wait? Surely the three of us are threatening enough to persuade
anyone to part with a bag of chips or something…
STEVIE:
Not the way we do things, dear boy…
BEN:
Don’t see why not…
IAIN:
More trouble than it’s worth…
BEN:
It’s worth it if I get something to eat…
IAIN:
No wonder you ended up in prison, Lad. You don’t think, do you?
BEN:
Eh?
IAIN:
Look at us!
BEN:
So? Scary enough, I’d’ve thought…
STEVIE:
And DISTINCTIVE…
IAIN:
They’d pick us up inside half an hour…
BEN:
(Not convinced) Right…
IAIN:
The way things are, we’re pretty much left alone… You bring that lot down on us and we’ll have to start all over again somewhere else…
STEVIE:
If they ever let us out at all…
BEN:
But I’ve got to EAT… and SOON!
IAIN:
There’ll be plenty soon enough… A bit of patience laddie, that’s all you need…
BEN:
Easy for you to say…
IAIN:
Eh?
BEN:
There’s two of you… Twice as much chance to find anything…
STEVIE:
And twice as many mouths to feed… Ah! The boy’s an idiot!
BEN:
Now just hold on…
IAIN:
(A flash of anger – Just when he thought everything had calmed down)
Stevie! I warned you…
STEVIE:
(Unapologetic) Well…
IAIN:
(He stares menacingly at Ben) Ben…
BEN:
Well… I’ll show you. Maybe I’m NOT such an idiot after all…
STEVIE:
I find that hard to…
IAIN:
STEVIE!
STEVIE:
(Holds his hands up in surrender) Sorry…
(Beat)
So… You’ve got a brilliant scheme to feed us all, then…?
BEN:
Might have…
Pause. Iain and Stevie look expectantly towards Ben. When he says nothing they
exchange a comic glance with each other… Stevie nudges Iain in an attempt to get
him to press Ben further… which after a moment, Iain reluctantly does…
IAIN:
Well…?
BEN:
Why should I tell you?
STEVIE:
I knew it! The boy hasn’t a clue…
BEN:
I have…
STEVIE:
So…?
Ben looks at him blankly.
STEVIE:
(Exasperated now) Tell us what it is then…
BEN:
I… I…
STEVIE:
For God’s sake, we’re wasting our time here…
BEN:
You said…
STEVIE:
Yes?
BEN:
That…
STEVIE:
Yes?
BEN:
Jamie would probably have some food stashed away…
STEVIE:
And that’s it? That’s the big idea? Steal from Jamie?
If you remember, I also said that he has a GUN…
JAMIE:
I didn’t say we should steal his stuff, just…
Well maybe he might share it with us, if he’s stashed up enough of it…
IAIN:
He may have a point…
STEVIE:
Oh, so now you want to steal Jamie’s food too…
IAIN:
No… Of course not… But if we promise we’ll get him some more later…
BEN:
That’s right… Replacements…
IAIN:
Then he might be reasonable… It IS a good night for finding stuff…
STEVIE:
And I suppose Jamie REALLY won’t want to be going out himself…
I’ll give you that…
IAIN:
It’s just a question of tracking him down…
STEVIE:
He’ll most probably have holed up at the old warehouse…
IAIN:
Aye, that’s true… And I did tell him I might check in on him later…
You know? See how he’s coping…
STEVIE:
Even if you weren’t sure where he’d be?
IAIN:
I knew YOU’D know…
STEVIE:
Ah!
IAIN:
You ALWAYS know…
STEVIE:
Making me an accomplice to this dreadful act…
IAIN:
Dreadful? What’s so dreadful about it?
STEVIE:
It’s just… I get a feeling about it, that’s all.
BEN:
Ah, you’re just being soft…
STEVIE:
Am I? You know what Jamie’s like on a good day…
BEN:
And…?
STEVIE:
Well throw in what day it is… And the fact he’ll be on edge anyway…
and the fact that we’re going there to steal from him…
IAIN:
SHARE with him…
STEVIE:
If you say so… And then there’s the gun of course…
BEN:
I don’t believe that for a moment…
STEVIE:
Psssh! You believe what you want to believe…
IAIN:
You’re still coming though, aren’t you Stevie?
STEVIE:
I might… Tag along… Just to see how things develop…
BEN:
Ah, you always were coming along…
STEVIE:
Was I?
BEN:
You said so!
STEVIE:
Did I?
BEN:
You said “We’re going there to steal from him”
not “You’re going there to steal from him…”
STEVIE:
Did I really? Well, look at me…
Caught out once again by your massive genius intellect…
BEN:
You...
IAIN:
Leave him alone, Ben… You coming then, Stevie?
STEVIE:
Presently… Presently… Just…
IAIN:
Yes?
STEVIE:
We should be careful, that’s all…
IAIN:
Right… Come on, then. Let’s go…
Iain and Ben exit. Stevie is left alone, staring sadly at the flickering flames.
STEVIE:
But it’s so warm here, by the fire… (A big sigh)
“Fair is foul, and foul is fair:
Hover through the fog and filthy air.”
Stevie follows the others. Blackout. End of scene one.
© MAWH 2009
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